In my dreams, my devotion still haunts me..

Yesterday, I was a bit weak and sad because my friend doesn't want to talk about the thing adn last favor I want her to do--- to attend our congregation even once. She doesn't know that I want to do it for her and not for myself. I am just weakened by the thought that she wouldn't attain salvation. 'Cause I love her so much and I want her also to feel the real happiness I feel inside the Church.  I want to show her the things that strenghten my spirit. But she refuse my invitation. I made it clear to her that I am not forcing her to become one of us. I just want her to try and come with me, observe, compare and at the end the decision was hers. As simple as that.. but she won't believe. I want to ask her: Who am I to you? Am I just an ordinary friend that can ask a 'hard' favor for you?

What is hard by then? Is it that she will be wearing a skirt? Because she hates to wear it. She only wear it when it is really needed, like school presentations. And its important to her to comply, even she hates it. But what's the different? Is wearing skirt made her sick? Do school regulation more important than a friend's favor? Or am I just an ordinary friend so she cannot sacrifice 'hard-thing-for-her' like that? Oh... I cry...

When we're on our bus on our way home before we separate ways in going home, she noticed that I am sad lately and got happy at times, then got sad again, she asked me if I have "manic depression". (if you don't know the term, you could read it here:

 http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfo/problems/bipolarmanicdepression/bipolardisorder.aspx

She told me she want to heal me but not that time because she said she has not yet have the capacity to do that. I told her: "You can. You can heal me." She don't believe. But at that time I want to say: "...just do my favor and you can help me..." and "You want me to be happy? Please do my favor... my dear friend.." . But I never did because I want her to know it by herself, she's an aspirant psychologist after all and she's not blind and definitely not stupid to know it. 

I had told her that that is my last favor before we separate ways after graduation. I never say I want something in return to all the favors I did for her but I just want to say, I did mine, I knew they weren't enough, but I'm just asking my last favor. 

Every night it haunts me in my dreams. Last Wednesday evening, I got a dream about us and never told her about it. The dream is about: She is watching tv and very happy that time on what she is watching while I'm doing something in my pc and restlessly lay my head on her right shoulder and say gloomily, "...will you please pay me attention?.." She said in return, "You aren't beautiful...", with a mocking sign in lips. My head weakly fell down on her lap but she never catch it, instead, she continues watching what she enjoyed well.

This night, I dreamt about us again. It was in an old days. The scene was glamorously sofia in color. We enjoy playing in the field.. Spending all days laughing and playing. And the night comes and she want to go home. I told her, why not stay for a while. She sat on the sala of the old house together with my sister. I get inside of the house to get something for her to bring home but when I return back into the sala, she's gone without bading me good bye.

Is that our friendship got to be?

I love her more than a friend... a dearest friend. Dearest friend to me. I want her to understand that I'm doing all of this... for her.